Apparently This Matters: Instagram’s favorite grandma

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Radioactive Man

Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway. You don’t win friends with salad. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

  • Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
  • Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?
  • Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Rosebud

Ahoy hoy? I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Cape Feare

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. I didn’t get rich by signing checks.

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